Courtship

A parish priest for over 25 years, and now a chaplain at an excellent Catholic liberal arts College for the past few years, I am completely familiar with the natural science of courtship.

Righteous (chaste) courtship has five stages.

1. Getting acquainted. Men and women get acquainted with each other in various honest social settings.

2. First dates. Those who are interested in each other go on dates to explore their mutual compatibility/interest. If after the first date they are still both interested they may go on a few successive dates. It is proper for the man to take the initiative in asking the woman "out."

3. Dating/going steady. If the dates go well then they begin a particular friendship, they decide to try to become best friends in steady dating, "going steady." The man and the woman begin to "date." Again, usually at the suggesting of the man, who should typically take the initiative along every major step in the courtship.

4. Engagement. If the dating goes well they decide to get married. The man proposes marriage to the woman.

5. Marriage. They marry for love of God, each other and the plan of God for their marriage, open to the children he might want to send them.

Two important points need to be added regarding courtship.

1. "If you like her, date her!" A clear and immediate transition from stage 1 to stage 2 is important to avoid unnecessary confusion in the relationship. There is no intermediate stage between being simply friends (stage 1) and "going-together" (stage 2). In other words, a young man and a young woman are not fit to simply be best friends, even with the presumption of no romance. Such a platonic arrangement is fiction. It causes great confusion and people get hurt because the relationship--an exclusive male/female relationship--is, by its very nature, sexually oriented, and, therefore, always, at least, ambiguous. A male is 100% male, and a female is 100% female. If a young man and a young lady are to be best friends, they must be so as male and female, and make that clear by dating. If they want to be best friends they must date. Otherwise they must not have an exclusive friendship. That would not be healthy.

2. Chastity is essential throughout courtship. The relationship should not be at all a physical relationship until stage 5 (after marriage; and, in marriage, marital chastity is to be observed). The relevant acronym for courtship is KISS ("Keep It Simple Stupid"). It would be entirely contrary to the true friendship proper to courtship for the couple to habitually and deliberately cause each other to commit even the least sins of lust, because lust would greatly inhibit any real relationship. The flesh and the passions would be an obstacle to the union of persons which happens primarily on the level of the human souls, getting to know each other as persons, not as mere objects. Couples that are dating are not properly lovers, they should simply be best friends who are chastely exploring the possibility of becoming lovers, in the exclusive domain of marriage. Lust and near occasions of sins of unchastity should be carefully avoided and shunned throughout any courtship worthy of the name. Love is the opposite of lust. Lust is selfishness, theft; love is a generosity, gift, self-gift.